I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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