one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sober January is a disaster.
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the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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