STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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