If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
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don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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