2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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