I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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