i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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