i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize