sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
