Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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