What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize