Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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