i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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