I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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