my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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