You smell like stripper and shame
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
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The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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