Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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