the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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