I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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