I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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