why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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