On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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