Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
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I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
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She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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