I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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