if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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