Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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