That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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