So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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