i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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