My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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