I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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