Jerry, you need to find god
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
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Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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