"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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