life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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