Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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