Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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