Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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