I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
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Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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