You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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