Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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