I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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