they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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