apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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