we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize