woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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