Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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