Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
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can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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