I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize