I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
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Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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