So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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